Wednesday, May 18, 2011

How to Buy a Lamp

Yesterday I bought a lamp. Here was the thought process.

  • Those florescent lights in my bedroom are intense. 
  • It would be nice to not have to turn on the ugly florescent in the evening. 
  • I have a house guest coming, and it would be nice not to subject them to the ugly florescent.
  • I've been meaning to buy one of those lamps at the market because they are cheap and so adorable.
  • I'm going to buy a lamp today.
Yesterday was also the scheduled end of the world. The irony of purchasing a lamp on Judgement Day was only revealed in hindsight.

The acquisition on my lamp was a departure to my normal attitude towards life in Cambodia. I'm in no hurry to acquire things for my apartment. I have no "real" artwork. I have a random mix of kitchen supplies. I still have all my college posters. I haven't even bought plants. It's all part of the attitude: Cambodia is not my home. I don't know where my home is but I know my heart and soul belong to a completely different continent and a family on two other continents. The idea of making a home so far away from said continent and said people, I can't do it. I just can't.

But I can give three years of my hopefully long life in a quest for self-fulfillment and as a gift to humanity and peacebuilding. I can broaden horizons and try to educate my partners that you cannot practice mediation in cases of domestic violence. I can travel, and learn, and roam like the nomad that I am. 

So if I'm going to invest in Cambodia, I might as well buy a lamp, and a tea-pot, and a plant. After all, with another two-and-a-half years, there's no reason to act completely transitory. And a lamp is actually functional. 

Thursday, May 12, 2011

How to Drive (A Car) in Phnom Penh

(The following story in it's entirety...is completely true...even though it sounds far-fetched)

A little known fact about me is that I never learned how to drive a car. It used to be embarrassing. Then I evolved into a bike-fanatic and it was a point of pride. Then I turned into a moto-champ, and it never came up. I was meant to drive a moto in Phnom Penh. My moto and I together are a beautiful thing and I have evolved into a true Cambodian in my aggressiveness.

But alas. For insurance purposes, I was told I needed to have a drivers licence to drive my moto. I needed to get a car licence, because foreigners can't get a moto licence. If I hit someone on my moto, I would not be covered and in Cambodia, the wealthiest person is always at fault in an accident and I would be considered the most wealthy because I'm American. So I was told to take drivers classes in Phnom Phen and get a car licence in order to continue driving my moto. Obviously, this was the most logical approach to this dilemma.

Driving in Phnom Penh is insane. The only thing more insane was my driving instructor, a 30-year-old, bitter, rude, inconsiderate and chronically tardy male who went by the name "La." I drove La crazy. He got under my skin. I told myself he must have a terrible family life. I don't know what he told himself. My lessons were four weeks long, half-an-hour. We mostly parallel parked which got old. He would bark at me. I would use complicated English words. Twice during parking days, he got out of the car and sit on the curb, either texting or barking at me. I tried to use an even more complex vocabulary. It was an abusive teacher-student relationship.

La also had a gift for expressing Cambodia driving rules and his own pedology on education.

La: "When you take the test here, you must read the signs."
Me: "Do I have to read the signs when I'm driving in Phnom Penh?" 
La: "No you don't have to read the signs in Phnom Penh, but in the test you have to read the signs."

Grace: "So when I come to a four-way intersection, which car goes first?"
La: "Whichever car is the richest, or the most important. But if the car is further along, it should go first."
Grace: "So it doesn't matter who got there first?"
La: "No."

La: "Which car will you drive after this?"
Grace: "I won't drive a car. I will still drive moto."
La: "But you are already driving moto."
Grace: "I know."
La: "So why are you driving then?"
Grace: "We have insurance liability problems and so because I don't have a licence I'm not covered in the event of a moto accident."
La: "But you are already driving moto."

La: "Stop pushing the break when there's a car! Why are you always breaking? You don't need to slow down!"
Grace: "Oh that's right! I'm a car! I'm at the top of the pecking order!"
La: "I don't know what that means."

Grace: "Don't hit me! Please don't hit me!"
La: "Don't worry I'm not going to hit you."
Grace: "I was speaking to that car over there."
La: "And I was replying for that car."

La: "I think I'm older then you."
Grace: "How old are you?"
La: "30."
Grace: "You are older, I'm 22."
La: "Oh you are so very young. When will you get married?"
Grace: "I think maybe in five years."
La: "But then you will be so old!"
Grace: "Well it's different in my country."

Me: "In my country, I ride a bike because my friends and I believe it's better for the environment."
La: "That's too strange."

La: "You never remember anything. Maybe I need to hit you to make you remember."
Me: "In my country, it's unacceptable for teachers to hit students."
La: "But this is Cambodia."
Me: "In my country, it would be consider assault and you could be prosecuted for it."
La: "Oh my god, this is not your country."

La: "I tell you to do something and all you say is okay but you never change!"
Me: "Okay."
La: "You say okay and do you nothing!"
Me: "Look, I'm not going to argue."
La: "Oh my god, you are terrible."
Me: "Okay."

I have a terrible feeling I'm being way to cocky, but I'm totally going to nail the road test. I've already practiced on the actual course. I can do switchbacks, I can do a three-point turn, I can freaking parallel park, and I'm excellent at stopping at faux train tracks... (and excuse me, there aren't functional trains in anybody anymore either). There are no real rules in Cambodian driving. So actually driving on the roads doesn't bother me because I really and truly can't honestly screw up. I need to avoid hitting things/people, but aside from that. Welcome to Cambodia. 

Thursday, May 5, 2011

How to Celebrate Khmer New Year

April brings the third and final New Year on the Cambodia calendar. This...is the big one. Possibly the only one that matters. And in a dramatic televised program on Cambodian cable, the "princess from the sky" comes down and takes the tiger back with her, leaving us the rabbit behind (it's the year of the rabbit).

This...is Khmer New Year.

Khmer New Year is without a doubt the largest holiday on the calendar. It's a three day event and I was never completely successful on nailing down exactly which day is officially "the new year" (silly details). Everyone must go home to their province and hometown for the holidays and Phnom Penh empties out like a ghost town. In the province people visit friends, stay with family, even give gifts. But above all else, people enjoy eating over Khmer New Year. You venture from one home to another, many traditions, many new year games to play, but it's about food.

In the days leading up to Khmer New Year, work noticeably slacked off, there were parties and shopping adventures to the markets. The only thing to compare it to is Christmas. It seriously felt like Christmas! It was an interesting combination of attitudes.

The most legendary tradition is throwing water on people. The water is typically followed baby powder or flour. Technically it's illegal because it used to be quite popular to throw water on passing motos causing accidents. But teen-aged boys don't really care about that sort of thing. Bangkok (Thailand shares the same New Year) is epically infamous for it's water-throwing. This is why I was given a Cambodian peace t-shirt that says "This New Year, Throw Water, Not Bombs" in protest of boarder skirmishes with Thailand.

For my Khmer New Year, I went to Koh Kong with friends from work, and one adorable baby. Koh Kong is near the Thai boarder and famous for it's biodiversity and beautiful beaches. We went swimming, hiked over waterfalls, laid on the beach, and took a traumatizing boat ride to explore the stunning Koh Kong Island. Everyone needs time away from life, everyone needs to see green trees, and Khmer New Year is a perfect time to eat Thai food and get sunburned.

And yes, I was watered, and powdered.