How to Watch a Bollywood Movie

Bollywood is one of the best kept secrets of the Orient. It’s India’s own Hollywood. The multibillion dollar Indian filmmaking industry has been turning out original cinema since the mid-30s but is distantly non-western. Modern Bollywood films have been accused of going western but the very nature of Indian films can’t possibly allow such alterations. There’s no easing into it, you get dunked and you get wet and you wonder what on earth just happened. I’ll pass on a few tips I’ve picked up since arriving in Pakistan.

Dig in deep. The movies are always about an hour too long. Accept it and bring as many snacks and beverages you will need to cover the length of time.

Expect dancing. Dancing is to Bollywood what thunder is to thunderstorms; it’s mandatory, frequent and intense. In a perfectly serious moment characters will break into a wild dance routine. The main characters change clothes and location randomly singing though a crazy song for up to 8 minutes in completely implausible situations. Central to a film is the “item number” where a very hot chick performs (for lack of a better word) a very sexy dance; both the chick and number having nothing to do with the film! Rarely does the dancing have anything to do with the story, it’s simply the trademark to Bollywood and it’s really the best part of the movies! Bollywood stars such as Shahrukh Khan and Aishwarya Rai are hugely successful like George Cloony and Angelina Joli, except Khan and Rai can dance, really dance.

Look for crazy plots. Bollywood produces drama but the majority of films are dancing comedic musicals. They’re meant to be funny, and to reach the biggest box office numbers possible and average over 10 million a flick. The movies are very colorful from the outfits to the settings. The dances are choreographed so all the girls will be wearing blue and the guys yellow and the colors often set the mood of the scene. Most the films are in Hindi with English subtitles but English being the cool man's lingo, is thrown in randomly.

Be grateful for morals. Bollywood prohibits kissing so there’s rarely innuendo and the worst you’ll see is a big hug after a hugely emotional scene. Clubs and discos are favorite setting for dance sequences, but that’s about it for the drinking/partying. Albeit, India is a Hindu culture so there is the caste system but the films like to play up the best of India and are distinctly modern. They’re hopeful films, in keeping with the younger Indian belief that the future is bright before India.

Don’t call it cheesy. Bollywood films are never cheesy. They can be crazy, the story may be improbable, the dances can be far fetched, the girls are always knock-outs and it’s too long but hey! You don’t find it just anywhere so appreciate the differences and no whinging.