How to Visit Kampot

Kampot Cambodia

Pepper from Kampot is famous. I'm probably like many Americans. I did not grow up thinking pepper was a very exciting spice. Pepper from Kampot will change your mind. It's strong and pungent and flavorful. The only thing I did not do in Kampot was visit a pepper farm. This doesn't grieve me, but I should have done that.

Kampot produces pepper, but is otherwise a fairly sleepy little town and quiet province. It's on a beautiful peaceful river. It's near the famous Bokhor Mountain. It's close to the coast. It has "The Rusty Keyhole" with the best ribs in all of Cambodia. For many of my expat connections, Kampot is a favorite getaway spot and it does have that laid back former-French colony charm that makes for a relaxing long weekend. I can attest now, it's a wonderful long weekend trip.

My first (and presumably last) trip to Kampot was for my third and final organizational retreat. A four-day retreat in Kampot is a new way of organizing our retreats, but a trip to a new place is not something I will whinge about.

Some highlights/recommendations include the following:

• Staying on the river. We stayed at a beautiful little guest house owned my a Frenchmen right on the river which flowed past us into Kampot town and into the ocean. It's a tidal river, so it was exciting seeing the currents change over time. In the late evening, the fishing boats chug down towards the ocean and early in the morning, they chug back inland with the most deafening sounds. You can swim in the river! I did, but still did not dare submerge my head.
• Kayaking on the river. I have recently discovered the joys of the kayak. I do enjoy this exercise, especially on a beautiful river as calm as glass with ever shifting currents. I went with a colleague who loves birding. I have never experienced this activity, but found it surprising relaxing to paddle along the coast while she quested for birds. A new and rewarding experience.
• Rusty Keyhole. I'm not a great meat lover, but these were the tastiest ribs I've ever consumed. They convinced a former and aspiring vegetarian to enjoy a giant piece of meat. I ate until I was sick, and then continued to eat. I will never, ever, ever do that again, but it was the right thing to do at the moment.
• Modern dance. There is an organization in Kampot that teaches modern dance and sign language to deaf children and youth. They are the only group of this nature in Cambodia. One evening, we went for a performance. The most enjoyable part was watching the complete amazement on the faces of our national staff. It is unprecedented. 
• Ocean time. We drove to the ocean one afternoon for swimming in a beautiful infinity pool at a high-end resort. The rain was threatening most the time and made beautiful sky formations. I walked out of their red boardwalk and admired the ocean and the world around me. Cambodia has beautiful pockets of nature. You forget this in the concrete chaos that is Phnom Penh. There are moments where you are overwhelmed with gratitude.

How to become truly beautiful [Khmer style]

Being Beautiful.

What constitutes beauty? This question has kept philosophers going for ages. I will admit in terms of appearances I hold tightly to Western ideals of self-expression; whatever makes you happy! (as long as you're clothed in public). The idea of looking "natural" is somewhat prized. Even when Western women are painted up, they still look largely like themselves.

And then there is Cambodia. It's a bit like Marie Antoinette's France, except the wigs are not as tall. One is feminine, docile, has long fake lashes and perfect white skin.

In Cambodia, before one's wedding, a couple gets photos done wearing formal rented garments (even at the wedding, one rents the garments). It's comparable to the "engagement photo" ritual of North America. Both the western white ballgown, Khmer apparel, and prom-eque attire, or a combination of these options occurs in a variety of formal staged traditional poses. The photos are shared with others, and one is enlarged to the size of a movie poster and displayed at the entrance of your wedding. Expats can participate in this ritual for sheer amusement. One walks into a photo place and requests to take these photos. You choose the outfit. Everything else is determined for you. For some reason, it's just brilliant.

1. Makeup. You sit on a backless stool in front of a makeup artist and you are painted, caked in foundation, given fake eyelashes and made to look so unlike yourself that you startle every time you look in the mirror. The makeup takes a good hour. 
2. Hair. It is teased and expanded and crimped for extra volume. You will be given fake hair to allow the illusion of feminine cascading curls. Bouffants and tiaras are especially popular. This takes at least 45 minutes. 
3. Costuming. You are pinned into your outfit (after they build bigger hips on you) and bejeweled with entirely matching bling. I went with a blue outfit. The earrings, the shoes, the necklace, the bracelets, the hair sparklers all matched accordingly. Once you are pinned in, you can't breathe properly but you are sa'at naah. This is the stage where if you had a male partner, he would have his outfit thrown on and within 10 minutes would be ready. 
4. Photography. You are photographed in front of a green screen. The photographer positions you perfectly right down to the fingertips; shoulders back, back arched, head tilted. You feel like a cross between a drag queen and a Jersey Shore wedding attendee. You feel the most unnatural possible. While I enjoyed my massive bouffant (it was so huge!), I questioned the sociological implications of the process.
5. Conclusions. When finished with the photography, your hair and makeup people wipe you down with washcloths and reclaim the jewels and false hair. You feel relief that you can breathe again, and a little nostalgic that the process is completed because it was rather amusing. 

You claim your photos a few days later. Various Khmer backdrops have been photo-shopped in and your skin has been so whitened that you look like a china doll. It's awesome. Because no where else would this happen. You choose at that moment to forgo social analysis and just enjoy the product for what it is. After all, we do weird stuff in North America as well.

How cynicism is a rite of passage

Finding a rainbow in the midst of a cynical day

Not long ago I went to a network forum. At the table was me, four Cambodians and another expat woman. We were discussing positive changes in Cambodia. We discussed various positive health related stats before the expat woman insisted that we should celebrate the increase of wealth in Cambodia. The tension was remarkably noticeable. It was explained to her that this new Khmer wealth is concentrated within a certain class. She insisted, we should celebrate the rising wealth, and insisted we write it down on our flip-chart paper. Thankfully the session was over before it got even more uncomfortable. It was sometime thereafter I realized that to be a true Cambodian expat, the sign of someone who's put their time in, is a deep unabashed cynicism. 

While hardly a badge of honor, cynicism is in some odd way comforting. It means you've been here long enough to know a little bit (emphasis on, a little bit). You know the game and the players and you feel entitled to make some generalizations. There is a certain comradery to the experience. Cynicism is an unfortunate byproduct of actually reading recommended material and the newspaper. It's a byproduct of working in the peacebuilding fields, the people most aware of the problems. Cynicism comes from looking at other post-conflict countries; Vietnam has Starbucks, Japan has bullet trains, South Korea has Samsung, and Cambodia has...low tech garment factories. The longer you're here, the sadder it becomes, the less it makes sense, it feels so unjust, and the more cynical you become.

Here's just the tip of the iceberg of Cambo-cynicism:

• Declining space for political dissent 
• Continuing political theater
• Corruption 
• Poor communities physically removed from their land in order to make space for commercial agriculture and urban development
• High rates of domestic abuse and child abuse
• Human trafficking, including child trafficking
• Dangerous work environments in the garment industry
• Failed prosecution of Khmer Rouge leaders 
• Continued regional animosity over land rights
• Unabashed racism
• An awful climate [Constant heat breeds bitterness. Try it. I dare you.]

I don't want to be cynical. In no way is this a virtue. But I struggle endlessly with the nagging fear that we're doing everything wrong. Maternal mortality and HIV/AIDS numbers have gone down in recent years. There are good things! But it's just so slow and so many people are hurt in the status quo. 

The best I can do is leave my anger at the door of my office, to nurture things which bring me joy, and to routinely leave in order to gain perspective. When one becomes hopeless, one needs to go home. Hopelessness does harm. Instead, we strive to be patient, gracious, and open-minded. I'm looking for a hurricane of change instead of appreciating the whispers. There are whispers that will continue beyond my short stint here. While there is still so much pain under the surface, so many unaddressed problems...well...we choose not to loose hope anyway...and try to keep that cynicism in check.

How to address anyone

When moving to any new place, it takes adjustment to grasp the social protocol for addressing people. First name basis? Last name basis? The intricacies of Miss and Ms., brother, sister? I wish I had more closely documented this phenomenon when I lived in other places, but then again, I never recall it being as complex as it is in Cambodia.

I've noticed that it's fairly rare to use someone's name when addressing them. I haven't found a convincing explanation for this. Instead, we use a complicated system of addressing each other based on each other's age relative to yours. You don't call Sue, "Sue," but maybe Bong or Ming, or Om. In a hierarchical culture, addressing other with the correct respectful term is important. It seems to effortless for Cambodians. For many foreigners when slapped with this system, it's slightly overwhelming. However, you too can get the hang of it and as a foreigner, your mistakes are more comical than offensive. 

• PaOWN: This gender-neutral term is used to address children. If you see a child, call them this. Can be shortened to "own."

• Bong: Use this with your contemporaries and it's considered gender neutral. Supposedly from women to men it's a term of endearment, but have observed otherwise. You can call the gas station attendant or you waiter/waitress bong.  If you are close with someone even when a five/seven year age gap, you would probably go with this term.

• Ming: Woman "auntie" between 30-50ish? If you think you are younger than the woman, then go with this term.

• Ome: Older auntie, as in your mother's contemporary. If I recall correctly, it's a term of endearment from a man to his wife (I don't know of one going the other way).

• Puu: Uncle, for all men who are older than you and younger than your grandfather. At my partner organization, we call the director this term for additional respect.

• Taa: Grandfather. Obvious.

• YeyYey: Grandmother. Thankfully, also obvious.

• Lookru: Respected male elder. When you want to be extra respectful, you go with this term instead of Puu or Taa. 

When translating these terms into English, my colleagues most often go with "brother" or "sister" which is interesting because those are two terms I don't think are used otherwise. However, it's source of personal joy when I'm called "Bong Grace" by my colleagues. It means I'm one of the guys.

How to Mix Wedding Cultures

A whole day of festivities

This isn't entirely my post to write. It's my friend Rach. She is the one who got married and the one who executed the social event of the season. But I loved it, and it was very Khmer (as is her husband) and very Aussie (as is she) at the same time and for that reason, I learned a lot.

Things I learned from this amazing experience.

1. A wedding is an all day event. Started at 7am-noon and 5:30pm-10:30pm. 
2. Allow people to go home and nap mid-day. A good wedding should have a nap.
3. Serve breakfast and lunch and dinner at your wedding.
4. Never drive a motobike in a silk skirt. It will wrinkle.
5. Borrow said skirt and matching fancy top from a work colleague. Otherwise, you can buy one at the market pre-made for $35 or get one made for around $70.
6. Have your guests wear traditional Khmer wedding attire for the morning ceremonies. 
7. A fruit parade is a fabulous thing. Line up two-by-two with matching fruit platters behind the groom and his family and parade to the bride's family to whom the fruit is presented. If they like the gift of fruit (as thankfully, was the case), the wedding may proceed. 
8. Have the parents follow a Khmer tradition of a tea ceremony, drinking tea together while surveying the fruit. Follow all this up with a Western-style ceremony.
9. Have a duel language Western-style wedding service. Everything in English, and then in Khmer, and have it be effortlessly seamless. 
10. Host a wedding in a context where all the women get their hair done professionally (and such a service costs $5) and naturally, everyone does, and that's just how it is. 
11. As a guest, make two costume changes. If part of the wedding party, make three (actually four) changes. 
12. Serve the tastiest Cambodian food of all time. 
13. Dance to Khmer live Cambodia music. For a sample of this, check here. Have all your guests from Cambodia, Australia and everywhere else dancing enthusiastically for hours despite the April heat. 
14. Include a champagne fountain.
15. Don't get stressed about it. Don't obsess about all the details. Smile and go with the flow. This is a great life lesson.