How cynicism is a rite of passage

Finding a rainbow in the midst of a cynical day

Not long ago I went to a network forum. At the table was me, four Cambodians and another expat woman. We were discussing positive changes in Cambodia. We discussed various positive health related stats before the expat woman insisted that we should celebrate the increase of wealth in Cambodia. The tension was remarkably noticeable. It was explained to her that this new Khmer wealth is concentrated within a certain class. She insisted, we should celebrate the rising wealth, and insisted we write it down on our flip-chart paper. Thankfully the session was over before it got even more uncomfortable. It was sometime thereafter I realized that to be a true Cambodian expat, the sign of someone who's put their time in, is a deep unabashed cynicism. 

While hardly a badge of honor, cynicism is in some odd way comforting. It means you've been here long enough to know a little bit (emphasis on, a little bit). You know the game and the players and you feel entitled to make some generalizations. There is a certain comradery to the experience. Cynicism is an unfortunate byproduct of actually reading recommended material and the newspaper. It's a byproduct of working in the peacebuilding fields, the people most aware of the problems. Cynicism comes from looking at other post-conflict countries; Vietnam has Starbucks, Japan has bullet trains, South Korea has Samsung, and Cambodia has...low tech garment factories. The longer you're here, the sadder it becomes, the less it makes sense, it feels so unjust, and the more cynical you become.

Here's just the tip of the iceberg of Cambo-cynicism:

• Declining space for political dissent 
• Continuing political theater
• Corruption 
• Poor communities physically removed from their land in order to make space for commercial agriculture and urban development
• High rates of domestic abuse and child abuse
• Human trafficking, including child trafficking
• Dangerous work environments in the garment industry
• Failed prosecution of Khmer Rouge leaders 
• Continued regional animosity over land rights
• Unabashed racism
• An awful climate [Constant heat breeds bitterness. Try it. I dare you.]

I don't want to be cynical. In no way is this a virtue. But I struggle endlessly with the nagging fear that we're doing everything wrong. Maternal mortality and HIV/AIDS numbers have gone down in recent years. There are good things! But it's just so slow and so many people are hurt in the status quo. 

The best I can do is leave my anger at the door of my office, to nurture things which bring me joy, and to routinely leave in order to gain perspective. When one becomes hopeless, one needs to go home. Hopelessness does harm. Instead, we strive to be patient, gracious, and open-minded. I'm looking for a hurricane of change instead of appreciating the whispers. There are whispers that will continue beyond my short stint here. While there is still so much pain under the surface, so many unaddressed problems...well...we choose not to loose hope anyway...and try to keep that cynicism in check.