How Cambodia Changes your Behavior

Cambodia in an anomaly in my overseas dwelling repertoire for multiple reasons, one of which is that I've been here so long compared with other former homes. Three years feels long some days. Other days it seems like I just moved here. But I have noticed some slight changes in my behaviors which I attribute to living here for multiple years. Humans are known to be incredibly adaptive.  

• Comfortable talking about weight and money. These are not social taboos. I often receive comments on my size. I have also learned that I can throw those questions right back, "how many kilos are you?" Probably 75% of people in my social networks know how much my apartment costs per month. I also ask them how much their apartment (or house) cost. It's likely I will continue making comments about weight and cost without realizing this is rude.
• Comfortable shoving people if they shove me first. When I go to the market, people shove me. The spaces are small and people want to get around you. Shoving is not offensive. At the beginning, I would get so angry I would leave markets as an act of protest. Later I realized that if I need to get through a tightly blocked space, I can push people aside as well. Now I do this, not with rage, but because I will never get through the market otherwise. Hopefully in my next residence no one comes close enough that I need to shove them. If this does happen, I will try and remember not to push. 
• Comfortable wearing flip flops to every imaginable event (especially the same pair). Before I moved here, I bought several pairs of shoes for work, including an adorable pair of plum purple loafers. I was going for the young professional vibe. Instead, I found most Cambodians wears flip flops (at least in my NGO circles). Given the streets are dirty, flooded, and the sewer backwash, this makes sense (actually gum boots make the most sense). Cambodians love the flip flop and the slide-on. In the future, if I wear flip-flops to work, you must forgive me.
• Comfortable taking shoes off when entering homes, shops, and places of work. I instinctively take off my flip-flops. In fact, I developed a phobia of bacteria carried by shoes and wash my feet immediately after coming home. This I do not expect to change. I will continue to take off my shoes at your home, though with persuasion, will leave them on at your workplace. 
• Comfortable eating rice several times a day. People warned me I would grow weary of rice. It hasn't happened yet. I will expect people to continue preparing rice for me. I will be preparing it for you.
• Comfortable asking people if they ate when first meeting them. It's a strange little quirk here. "Hello! Are you well and happy? Yes I'm well and happy. Have you eaten yet?" It's a perfectly normal social greeting, in the normal categories with "Has your home flooded this year? How are the kids? How's the partner? Have you eaten yet?" I may find myself asking you this question when we meet at the supermarket.
• Comfortable asking people if they are married and the number of children. Cambodians are quick to establish where you fall with this specific interaction ritual. Your marital status is of great importance as well as your number of offspring. I've learned that a normal encounter with a new person will inquire into their marital status, their plans for marriage, and/or their current number of children. Do not be offended if I ask this of you (I put my own Western/feminist spin on it).
• Comfortable discussing my own plans for marriage and children with complete strangers. When I plan to get married is a very routine question. (These things are very scheduled here, I jest not). For efficiency, I answer. "Maybe next year. Definitely in the next five years." It's better to give a time than explain the question is rude, and frankly I don't find it rude anymore. Also, within five years is the most truthfully logical answer and I'll go on the public record with that answer. 
• Comfortable distrusting the police and pretty much all authority figures. I've learned the police are not to be trusted and will almost always make situations worse. I've learned the government is unreliable and self-serving. I've seen good local leaders and dishonest local leaders. At the end of the day, Cambodia has taught me to mistrust almost all authority figures. It will be hard to reform my opinions in this regard.
• Comfortable saying "is it possible?" "bann tee?" or "not possible" "aut bann tee." I love these two Khmer phrases. They are used so often. When I ask for something and I receive a look of confusion, I'll ask for confirmation, "is it possible?" The answer will some back, "possible" or "not possible." (It's always "not possible" never "impossible," a little word play that never ceases to amuse me.) So when you give me a funny look after I ask you to go to Target and get me a dongle and some new trackies I will ask you "bann tee?" Just so you know the correct answer is "it's possible."
• Comfortable in PJs in public. Cambodians often wear pajamas in public. They are modest two-piece "matchy-matchys" typically a floral or cartoon pattern (lately Angry Birds has been the rage). Consider them like lounge wear! Now I own matchy matchys and wear them to the local convince store (my rule is no more than one kilometer beyond my apartment). I don't think I'll have trouble giving up this habit, but you never know.
• Comfortable never cooking Asian food. Between my helper (who deserves her own point of awesomeness) and the fact I can walk down the street for Khmer food that cost less than $2, why would I ever cook Asian food? Frankly, why would I ever cook? If I'm going to cook, I cook pasta or tacos, things I can't get readily or cheaply. Unfortunately, now I'm in a head-space where preparing any sort of Asian food is morally repugnant. So sorry, but I will not cooking Khmer food for you.

I'm sure there are may other quirky things that I do, some by choice and some by immersion in multiple odd places. But I do strongly believe in the importance of making yourself comfortable in the place you like, which inherently involves a little adaption. 

How to Road Trip Khmer Style

So many tasty delights

Cambodian road tripping is one of the many particularities of life here. I wish I could appropriately calculate the hours spent road tripping.

Most Cambodians do not have a car. Many (possibly most) have moto-scooters. However, driving several hundred kilometers on a moto which top out at around 80 KPH is not ideal on two-lane roads along with the trucks transporting goods, is just not ideal. Cambodia has a very functional bus and van system. The buses are secondhand from China, Japan, and Korea and the system is fairly efficient, though slow. Fares are always low, even if you want to pay for extra space and AC. The vans which would normally seat 12 in a developed country seat closer to 24 people. With a bus, you are guaranteed your individual seat. Karaoke music videos are non-negotiable for any trip. Most bus services will offer individual pick-ups and drop-offs. This is nice when you're being picked up from your hotel and dropped at your office. It's not so nice when everyone else (and the rice cooker bought by the bus driver for his auntie) gets the same service. Alas, it is what it is!

What you must always expect on a Khmer bus is that you will stop many times. There is little premium placed on efficiency. For one, the roads are in such a condition that you can't go much faster than 60mph to begin with. It's only downhill from there [ex: a trip from Phnom Penh to Sihnoukville is 185 kilometers yet takes five hours]. Expect to stop every 1.5 hours. The rest stops will vary from a simple toilet stop (20 minutes) to a full on meal break (30 minutes).

Khmer rest stops offer something so unique that I'll remember them for a long time. An obvious feature is the restrooms which vary from two to 20 stalls. These are always "squatty potty," rarely sanitary or well lit. Soap is rarely provided. Tissue is never provided.

The second memorable thing is a the food offered. You can purchase from two options.

• "Inorganics:" Crisps, various biscuits, various Asian processed snack items (the majority of which are shrimp flavored and with Chinese script), soft drinks, energy drinks, various Asian canned drinks ("glass jelly drink," winter-melon justice, birds-nest drink, etc.), and the like.
• "Organics:" Fried crickets, fried spiders, hard boiled eggs, duck embryo, charcoal roasted bananas, green mango, pamelo, pineapple, boiled peanuts, coconut jelly, rice in a bamboo stick with beans and the like.

Occasionally, you will need to eat at larger meal at rest stop. Larger rest stops will have a menu you can order from. They will serve a standard array of Khmer dishes; fried rice, fried noodles, chicken soup, spicy soup, etc. Smaller rest stops offer a Khmer variation on "fast food;" pots of prepared Khmer soups and sauces which come with a plate of rice and a side of bacteria. These pots are normally sitting out for some time. I have a phobia of "pots stops" but I have eaten from them at least once.

In the end, Cambodia is certainly underdeveloped, but in terms of public transport, the systems do exist. You just have to accept that it will take a while. Accidents are fairly rare, which makes no sense but I'm not complaining. At the end of the day, I will miss the ability to hop on a bus and go anywhere. In this regard, Cambodia has provided me huge freedom.

How to Visit Kirrirom

I tried to only take happy photos

My partner often schedules team-building activity days. Last year we went to Odong Mountain (where I saw the body of a mummified monk...long story). This year Kirrirom was chosen. As it so happened, Kirrirom was also on my "must see before leaving list." Kirrirom means "Happy Mountain" which might be the reason I was instantly attached to the idea of visiting.

There are several national parks in Cambodia. My colleagues cannot seem to name that many, which might be an indication of other issues. Kirrirom seems to be the most popular. It's about two hours south towards the beach. In the Cardamom Mountains means that there are something akin to hills which served as hideouts during the Khmer Rouge.

We went on the worst day possible. It was rainy and drizzly and I was cold and grumpy (anything below 80F makes me cold and grumpy). My first impression was absolute awe at seeing pine trees. My second impression was that the location was littered with rubbish.

We drove directly to a waterfall picnic area. Picnic areas in Cambodia are very different from what I wish they were. They are little sheds with more little sheds close by where people live and prepare food for these picnics. It's more like a restaurant. The waterfall had been renovated with surrounding bungalows where you could pay to use the space and have food prepared. These people are trying to make a living so I'm empathetic. Viable traces of so many people living in this area is highly noticeable, particularly because trash collection services do not extend to national parks and because they cut down park trees to build all the local structures. Many of the park dwellers pick the wildflowers to make wreathes which are sold to visitors (including my colleagues).

We sat in these bungalows while it drizzled. We paid the park residence to prepare a lunch for us. We played some team building activities. Later I went on a walk (accompanied, because colleagues are always concerned with my safety). I admired the trees and found myself increasingly angry by the rubbish sprawled everywhere and the clearly missing trees. Thankfully, my walking companion colleague shared my angst.

The experience of this park would not have been nearly so memorable if I hadn't been reading Collapse by Jared Diamond at the same time. This 525+ page treatise explores why societies choose to fail or succeed; Easter Island, Rwanda, Greenland, Iceland, among others (the Angkor Kingdom included!). The common denominator for all these societies was ecological mismanagement. Easter Island completely deforested the island. Greenland wouldn't switch to a local meat source. Iceland destroyed the ecosystem via sheep farming. Rwanda mismanaged their farmland. The resounding message is this: You run the risk of destruction if you don't protect your natural resources.

Reading about Iceland while looking at the heaps and heaps of rubbish inside a national park was upsetting. Is this where Cambodia is headed? They lost their Angkoran superpower status to deforestation and bad water management. Even today, Cambodia struggles with conservation. Current hot issues are mostly resource-based; evictions, rapidly expanding agribusiness, air and water pollution, and factory runoff. It's painful to see, and painful to think of the long-term consequences. When people are living on the edge, the slightest shift can push them even further.

So, an excellent day in my Cambodia adventures. An unexpectedly educational day. It wasn't completely a "happy mountain" but there is ever so much potential. The goal was the build a stronger team. Well, I slightly ruined that slouched behind a massive book.

How everything is not ok: Cambodia Confessions

A good part of Cambodia: My balcony.

I have loved living in Cambodia. I have my moments (who doesn't), but overall it's been a pleasure. I haven't fallen in love with Cambodia the way I've loved other places, but I've warmed up to Asia and I will absolutely return. 

When I arrived, I knew I was going to be here for three years. I couldn't let everything bother me. I learned to either process my frustrations or ignore them. Now with the end in sight, I'm allowing myself to admit my secret anger. Making this list was therapeutic. Now I can admit....everything has not been ok.

Things which make me extremely angry that I've been suppressing for three years.

Very frustrating

• This climate. Chronically sticky, chronically dehydrated. It's so miserable 50 weeks out of the year.
• No parks. Where should I picnic? Where do I go to see trees?
• Weddings/Funerals. I've not been good suppressing this specific point of frustration. I will never understand why people block public roads for loud and private events. 
• Sidewalks turned into parking lots. Where am I supposed to walk?
• Motodups. No. I don't want a moto taxi or a taxi. Ask me again and I'll tell you the same.
• 
  

Somewhat Irritating

• People answering their phones when I'm speaking to them. This is perfectly normal and not disrespectful whatsoever in an otherwise painfully polite country. I've waited up to 15 minutes for people to finish their phone calls while sitting patiently. 
• Sheer women's tops without a tank top underneath. This one I just don't understand. In an otherwise conservative society, even older women do this. Does this mean we're comfortable with our bodies? It drives me crazy.
• Khmer music videos on buses. If I never hear another sad music video where someone dies at the end on a battered bus for the rest of my life, I will be happy.
• Personal questions. Please stop telling me what you think of my weight. I makes me uncomfortable. Please stop asking about when I'm getting married. Must you publicly comment on my facial acne?
• Sour soup. It's wrong. 
• Acronyms. Everything must have an acronym. Also, the acronyms are always in English when English isn't all that common. Speaking in the code of acronyms does not feel as space age as you'd think.
• Exercise limitations. I just want to walk, bike, run... There are no places to do this without fearing for your life, and without being the target of gaping stares. 

Less this post be entirely negative, I've also made a list of things that no longer bother me. 

Things so normal I don't notice them

• Squat toilets. Not a big deal.
• Traffic. 95% of the time, whatever.
• Getting stuck in a downpour. Pull over, buy a 35 cent "raincoat" keep going. No biggy. 
• Rice. Twice a day on average, not a problem.
• Looking bad. Helmet hair, sweat stains, mascara sliding off my face...part and parcel. 
• Seeing women exercising in the gym in heels. Not a problem.
• Construction noise. It all fades into the horizon. 
• Two currencies. Paying for items in a mix of US dollars and Khmer riel, effortless.
• PJs in public. Why not wear my Cambodian "matchy-matchy's" to the corner store?

Oh Cambodia. You have been good to me. You amuse me constantly. In all my whinging, life has been good. 

This Post is for Three

I really, really, really like my privacy. You wouldn't think so as a blogger, but we are all filled with ironies.

When it comes to relationships, I'm more private than usual. Early on, the existence of this person had to be virtually dragged out of me and I secretly resented it. If there's anything I resent, it's being told how I should feel or should behave. I resented being told long-distance relationships are so difficult and I resented the raised eyebrows.

A part of life and relationships is learning to be comfortable with yourself. When it comes to my profession or living locations, I'm extremely confident in my unorthodox choices. In fact, I have this blog where I make snarky self-deprecating and self-righteous comments on this. Yet when it comes to relationships, I can wilt under social pressure. The lesson for year three has been that I'm allowed to be confident in my decision. "This is the person I choose. Yes, we live in different countries. We have lasted all this time. Yes, I still choose him." I remind myself that it doesn't matter. What matters is that something phenomenal exists with someone else that withstands time and space. And for what it's worth, outlasting the impossible is rewarding.

So...three years? Two countries? Two different stories that we somehow intertwine? It's not for everyone. But sometimes you meet someone you can't let go; someone who tolerates the ups and downs, the self-deprecation and the pity, the ongoing narrative of you trying to identify yourself among all the places you've called home and will call home, someone who genuinely appreciates your story, who meets you half way.

For three years with this remarkable person, I would do it over again gladly. Our narrative oddly fits with the narrative of my life. Like my personal narrative, as confusing, indirect, or inefficient as it is, I wouldn't trade it.

How this is life

Southern Cambodia

It strikes me sometimes that I'm a "lifer." Others are sick of Asia, sick of Asian countries, sick of the whole blah blah experience. People I know feel like this. They want/need to go home. I respect that. Honestly, I'm quite done with the climate, the sour soups and can we all agree the sidewalks are for walking and not for driving? We are all different. We all have different strategies of meeting our needs and different currents run through our veins. 

But if I look within myself...this is my life. This is how I live. The notion that I must move to my home country and "settle down" is intensely irritating. I don't do this because I "have the travel itch," or because I want to save the world. I do this because this is who I am, and where I find my heart and soul. I could sooner change my shoe size or my inadequate height. One can grow sick of a country, but one will always seek adventure because one cannot change one's heart and soul. You don't expect it to be easy, but you are compelled to continue. Even though it doesn't make sense, it so clearly does. My goals are relatively simple...live in a francophone country, live in Indonesia, live in Iceland, visit everything else. I don't know what the future holds, but it's a series of adventures to cherish, beautiful places to see and unexpected people to love. It will be perfect.

After so many beautiful and unique and remarkable places...I'm a lifer. 

How We Change (But Not Really)

Back in 2008, I was obsessed with Aristotle and Greek tragedy. I was in love with the style of the narrative; a hero of noble birth who is succumbed by his one character flaw causing a spectacular demise. I thought about Greek tragedy again recently. I'm attracted to the idea of a noble hero with a fatal flaw. Is a possible for a society to have a collective flaw?

Living in Cambodia, I meet people who seem quite Western values and ideas. They no longer use domestic violence, they overcome alcoholism, they educate their children well, they value democracy and free speech, they respect the poor, they are family people and involved in community service. But if Cambodia has one fatal flaw, it's racism. 

Cambodia and Vietnam have a complicated history. Both were superpowers at some stage during which they dominate the other. They seized land which went back and forth for centuries. The French lumped them together and split up the land haphazardly, which was later battered back and forth during the complicated Cold War era. In 1979, Communist Vietnam invaded Cambodia to debunk the genocidal Khmer Rouge Regime. The West calls this a "liberation," the end of the genocide. Many Cambodians call it "occupation," the invasion of a long-hated enemy. The Vietnamese stayed for 10 years until 1989 when the UN took over. The bitterness from my perspective seems somewhat one sided. Vietnam has bigger problems than their poor little neighbor, except when it comes to those islands off the coast. 

This bitter history is recalled in excruciating detail. It's reinforced and routinely exploited, particularly around border issues since there are some islands still up for dispute. Leaders stir up nationalism routinely by reminding their constituents they are one step from Vietnamese clearing them off the map. The racism comes up in normal conversation. All the prostitutes are Vietnamese, I'm told in completely seriousness. All the thieves are Vietnamese. All the cheap products are from Vietnam. An unset stomach is called "Vietnamese stomach." The Vietnamese make coffee with dirty laundry water at their restaurants. The Vietnamese-Khmer shouldn't be allowed to vote.

There is simply no way for us to comprehend this deeply held resentment. I don't have a comparable situation. Every country has their despised immigrants. That doesn't make it any easier, particularly when observing people who have made such progress on their sexism and classism.

I suppose we don't have to be an Aristotelian noble to have a fatal flaw. We just have to be human. You cannot undo centuries of hate overnight. You cannot pretend you understand because you don't. Instead, we celebrate the victories, and think about how to continue building peace in other areas. My country, no country is perfect. We all have our fatal flaws. We can hope they do not become our undoing.